Obsolescence is quite the nice little earner for OEMs everywhere. They love seeing ordinary folks like us pop into shops buying their latest stuff. Throwing away perfectly usable things we otherwise can use for other tasks. And when we point out the vast mountains of waste growing around the world, they shrug and say “so what?”
And so, we don’t put it past them to take obsolescence to (logical) extremes. After all, giving them more ideas just makes the e-waste problem worse. But…here we are. So, here are just a few items we imagine the pesky OEMs baking obsolescence into them. Here’s hoping their reps don’t barge into our repair cafes and take notes…
Stitching obsolescence into sewing machines
Ah, sewing machines. Complex bits of machinery with spool holders for strings and physical controls. People make all kinds of clothes and fancy costumes with them. Over the years, they mostly withstood the scourge of planned obsolescence – or have they?
Well, not if manufacturers have their way! Because, we imagine OEMs making sewing machines as one solid unit with everything inside! Spools full of threads of a certain colour, all the components, the controls, the works! So here, you need a smartphone app to control everything, and have the machine do all the sewing for you.
But, what if you need a different colour thread for your project? Basically, just buy a new sewing machine containing the colour of the thread you want – duh! And what if it breaks down while it sews up your new garment? Buy a new one! Oh, and don’t even think of trying to repair it yourself, or take it to a repair centre other than the manufacturer’s! You know, their techies who soooo won’t try to charge you an arm, a leg and a kidney. Because if you open it up, it instantly self-destructs! So now, you void the warranty and the whole device!
Blowing obsolescence into fans
Fans are simple in both form and function. They keep rooms – and computers – nice and cool, especially on hot summer days. Many fans have simple controls to allow you to adjust the speed. With a little TLC, they last quite a long time before they eventually conk out. But crafty OEMs always get creative in finding ways to force rapid replacements.
For instance, rigging fans in a way which makes them over-volt to make the fans spin beyond their design specifications. Then, just before they break, they eject the brown stuff inside hidden charges onto the fins. This brown stuff then sprays all over the room right as the fans completely fail. Okay, it will get messy for customers, and OEMs will risk the odd lawsuit or two. But then, the extra sales of new fans will be all worth it, hahaha!
Breaking the longevity of computer cases
Now here’s something BitFIXity – we gotta have something about computers and mobile devices, after all! And here’s one part which lasts a very long time with a little TLC – computer cases! The chassis houses the core internal components – CPU, RAM, internal storage, PSU and all the other good stuff. In particular, desktop cases are a bastion standing in the way of obsolescence!
“But wait!” I hear you say. “Why needlessly shorten the lifespan of computer cases in the reckless pursuit of profit?! Don’t manufacturers already make tech gadgets and everything else break quickly?” Because dear friends, we should never underestimate the ability of the boffins inside OEMs to find ways to shoehorn obsolescence into anything! Like making the rivets, welding points and fixings in computer (and laptop) cases corrode within a certain period of time. Sure, you might see your case spontaneously fall apart with your very own eyes. But hey! At least it spares you the trouble of disassembling it yourself!
And by the way, what about the panels, frames and bezels? Well, noticing how flimsy some of them are, particularly on the cheap ones, we can certainly try making them using some sheets of papier-mâché! It reduces the weight of computers and laptops, and makes them look nice. You can more easily customise the look and feel of your computer this way! Just keep them away from liquids, cold and heat sources, though. After all, we really don’t want any catastrophic failures arising from compromised papier-mâché panels now!
Making batteries go boom with obsolescence
“Oh, for goodness sake!”, I hear you shout out. “Seriously, now you want to turn our gadgets into bombs in pockets!?” Well, sure, why not? After all, batteries become useless once they can’t hold a charge any more. Oh, and they have a habit of turning into spicy pillows! So, let’s take advantage of this and speed up the rate of which they become spicy pillows. And, why not add into devices, hidden mechanisms which puncture the batteries and make them explode? Makes for a nice anti-theft feature, right?
Oh, and besides, batteries need dedicated places for recycling – which costs mon-eh, you know! But why recycle them, when you can just skip the ‘recycling’
part altogether? How about taking advantage of spicy pillows to hardware-brick gadgets? Like making the batteries sufficiently puff up to break the internal hardware components. Sure, we can’t fully realise the explosive potential of spicy pillows this way. But at least it would ensure rapid replacements of tech gadgets. (Oh, and by the way, we secretly love mushroom clouds. Just not necessarily the giant ones – we don’t want OEMs to wipe vast swathes of their consumer base off the face of the planet, after all. Sucks for corporate profits otherwise!)
But for us, all the obsolescence in the world which go into batteries just plays right into our hands. We really wanted to chomp at the bit to prove we are indeed a safe and effective place to repair all kinds of tech! But don’t worry about the loud bangs, small mushroom clouds and the smell of chemicals, though. We just can’t help ourselves here!
And now, the (dis)honourable mentions!
Oh, you think we finished at four ways to bake obsolescence into all kinds of stuff? Nope! There are many other ways OEMs cripple the lifespans of various everyday items. So, here’s some more dastardly ideas!
- Self-destructing screens – We accidentally break screens on various devices at least once in our lifetimes. From phones slipping out of our hands and hitting hard surfaces, to wayward objects hitting TVs or monitors. But what if we add glass screens with round edges and corners to every side of these devices? Now you and your mates can doomscroll on social media together! Just don’t let it shatter on impact with anything even slightly hard, lest manufacturers shut down warranty claims with “too bad, you broke it”!
- Self-disassembling furniture – This is a doozy. Weak adhesive, fixings which degrade quickly, materials which wear out quickly. The end result? Sofas, book shelves, tables and chairs, desks, TV cabinets – all fall apart by themselves. Good luck putting them back together again. And if you manage to reassemble them – well, they just fall apart again later on!
- Planned obsolescence – Imagine baking obsolescence into planned obsolescence itself. A world where we do the exact opposite of how manufacturers make products. Infinite durability, pro-repair measures, easy-to-replace batteries and parts, always available product support, programmed longevity, perceived endurance. And if the big OEMs and their shareholders subsequently go on a financial diet? All worth it for the planet!
Welp, there we have it!
Just some of the various dastardly ways of inserting planned obsolescence into all kinds of everyday items! Of course, this is just scratching the surface, and we have no doubt manufacturers have other tricks up their sleeves to force rapid replacements of everything. And so, remember folks, don’t get mad over messing up a repair job – just laugh it off! Keep a mental image of reps from manufacturers and big brands reading this article from a tiny, humble repair cafe, and are like, “OMG! What great ideas! We gotta add obsolescence into all these products! Yeah, let’s also bake obsolescence into planned obsoles~ wait, what!?”
